4 weeks ago

Four weeks ago, I made a decision. That decision should have after some hurting changed my life, to something I wanted and needed. The problem I wasn't strong enough to stick by what I had decided.

I am talking about my relationship, after nearly 4 years I just felt it wasn't going anywhere he had an excuse for everything and it was really starting to hurt. Like most I want the fairytale, the wedding, the family the happily ever after. I wanted to grow old with somebody whose company I would still find stimulating and fulfilling in another 30- 40 years.
I met him when he had been separated from his wife for 2 months, neither of us wanted a relationship, but we had lots in common so we become friends, it wasn't long before the friendship turned into more and we became inseparable. We was quickly living together and quickly engaged. I fell for this man in a huge way, I was warned be careful, don't get hurt.

He has been a rock for me since then, through mum dying, my personal issues, everything. I don't know if I would have made it without him. Yes like any couples we have had our problems, he isn't always the man I love, but we had crossed a bridge with that and it was fine.

OK icing time, after all this time he hasn't even started the divorce process, we have stopped going out as a couple and if I ever do something on my own, go out, make a decision it gets questioned. He hasn't trusted me for a long time, and for someone that went nowhere it would have been incredibly hard to do anything.

Why did I go back well, he was my best friend he knew everything in my head as well as I did. It was wrong and its never been right since I went back. He still has done nothing even though someone has offered to do a divorce for free, why cause they want to see me happy.
He took real offence to me having a night away, and didn't like the fact I didn't call him constantly to ensure I was OK. He couldn't see why I would take offence at a text he sent me, the truth was I was so angry but couldn't say so as it would have been murder.

We have come to the conclusion, that its not working, I have cried, I don't know what to do if the truth be told. I have shut myself in a quiet corner in the house and here I sit blogging knowing that any minute now the phone may ring and I will have to be the happy calm professional person I have to be, when all I really want to say is, "look i am in a fucked up state here, having got time for you, please sort it, or get another job".

I know this prob wont be it for this evening but for now, I am gonna sign off, take a chill pill and try to work out what I am going to do, stay well!
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