Mum

I'm gonna cut this one down a little.

Mum was another fantastic person that I owe a lot in life to. She was just past her 50th birthday, when she got called for her routine mammogram then got called back. I remember them playing it down saying it could be anything even dust on the machine. But the waiting I did on the day that they went to get results was agonising.

It came back mum had cancer, the big C, yes I have known others suffer with it but no one this close.

I lived in Wales at that point and couldn't get home for the day mum had surgery, I waited and waited eventually got the phone call that said she was back on the ward. Mum suffered in recovery she kept demanding food and water then being sick, verbal abuse by bro and dad got when they turned up, so they made sure she was comfortable had a card for the phone/TV and left her to sleep off the drugs.

The next mornings journey home seemed to take forever, had to wait for visiting time (wasn't impressed) walked onto the ward looked at mum and even though she was smiling, I could see she was crumbling on the inside, she had a drainage bag, which she made jokes about but from conversations after she hated. She didn't want to be there anymore but there was no way after having a first set of breast surgery and lymph node surgery they was going to let her go.

That weekend was harsh the only things mum would have off the nursing staff tea and drugs, I was making sandwiches or getting take aways with dad on a regular basis (sorry this is going on and was meant to be short)

On the Monday they released mum and she came home. I had head back to wales for work and made them promise to let me know about the pathology results and what happened now as soon as they knew. We was hoping it hadn't already spread to the lymph nodes but it had. Dad sent me and my brother a text, he couldn't talk but it was bad news mum needed both chemo and radio and poss further surgery as it had spread to her lymph nodes.

It felt at that point in my life that someone had ripped my heart out and stamped on it!

I wish i could say treatment was routine, it wasn't. The only thing routine about it was mum working her way through everything, she was a shop manageress and was determined to keep on going, keep working, even when she lost all her hair she donned a wig (she ended up with quite a collection) and went out. I remember at the time saying what courage, and I hoped in the same situation I would be the same!



Dad dying really wasn't good for mum her was everyone especially hers rock, the diary she left for me and my brother that she started writing the day after his death shows that.



Me and mum had always clashed, very similar characters in a lot of ways, I doubt facing what she did I will ever have the same courage to carry on, she nearly didn't post dad, 2 weeks after his death she was told she needed more surgery she said no, i don't know how me and my brother talked her round.

I was there that time, I refused to leave the hospital. My Bro was with me and I remember details even down to the conversation we had about dad outside the entrance to theatres.

Mums recover was a lot smoother, she wanted to eat and drink and did, we kept having to take it in turns to go get her food. She was determined not to stay that night and with some gentle coaxing the nurses agreed and talked the doctor into letting mum come home knowing that I would be on hand and if I was worried would bring her straight back.

I was back living in Brum then, so was on hand our uncle picked us up and took us all home.

I slept that night, hadn't previously for about a week.



Mum recovered well, we was told in the further margins they took there was no sign of any cancer so mum was told she had a 95% chance it was gone for good, I was so happy.



The next few months was strange the house I rented wasn't nice! In fact it was a disaster one night after more ceiling tiles had come crashing down around my head I talked to mum and we agreed I move back home.



OK so why would a 27 year old after 7 years of living on her own move back home? Huge mistake, me and mums very like personalities clashed. She also saw me as her young daughter again and I detested that. We spent weeks without talking and it got to the stage where we wouldn't even look at one another, I said I would move, would have to get rid of the animals she agreed as she couldn't cope with them on her own.



I found somewhere, re homed one cat, took another with me, left my ginger boy with her as she loved him dearly, and took one dog with me temporarily till i could find a good home for her, i did actually quite quickly as where I moved to her friend had just had a dog die, they was a lovely family, it broke my heart but I had to let her go.

The repercussions of doing a moonlight flit on your mother and just leaving a note saying hope we can be friends again isn't good. We wasn't in fact all bar one Aunt and Uncle disowned me.

I fought for months to sort myself out, spent a lot of time with a counselling friend something I realise was a mistake now, he was good to me but the cross over meant he really couldn't tell me what I should have heard and that was to get a grip! I didn't.

I met my partner and things seemed to be moving smoothly, mum was ill I knew that from the lil messages I occasionally got off my brother the cancer was in her spine, and even though someone was always by my side I felt alone. She still refused to see me. I moved in with my partner and decided I needed to get on and move forward 4 months after meeting we was engaged.

I did race for life that year with a group of friends, it was an emotional day and I didn't know what to do, I walked with them till the last km and decided I needed to move, I ran like id never ran before but there was someone about 500m from the finish really struggling, I stopped helped her up and we walked across the finish line crying like kids. It was emotional but I felt I had done something. At that point I text mum, my brother and my partner, to say I had done it and no one could put me down. How wrong was I, mum text me back and it wasn't pleasant but then did I expect anything different she was still hurting.

2 days later one of my friends father lost his battle with cancer, I was broken hearted for her and for me, I tried desperately to see mum she refused. A week later I got a phone call at work from my brother, he said I needed to come quickly but to leave the past behind, mum had been raced to hospital the night before by her sister (sorry I cant call her my aunt), she had embolisms on her lungs and that had been causing her loss of breath and chest pain, not the panic attacks as had been diagnosed by the doctors. She was given less than a week to live!

I raced to the hospital was ushered into a room and told to sit down, everything that went through my head, my brother walked in and I begged him to tell me I wasn't to late, he said I wasn't, but wanted me to brace myself as mum wasn't mum. I walked to her bedside and held her, I looked and saw just what I did in dad, I was destroyed.

That day was the longest in my life, I took some quite nasty comments off some relatives but I let them ride over me, I was there for mum she wanted me there, they could say and do whatever they wanted!

The hospital agreed to let one of us stay my brother wanted to, and we agreed I would swap with him in the morning so he could then get some rest.

I left the hospital all the way home I felt I should have stayed, I got home and in my partners arms for the first time that day I cried. 2am I received a phone call, to come to the hospital things had changed. I knew what had happened I asked the nurse on the phone to look after my brother she knew i knew.

I arrived ushered into the same room and there was Gareth sat in the corner, he said he was sorry, she had signed a DNR. She died in his arms post trying to get back into bed after using the toilet.

I went in and saw her and realised I had missed so much, I had made bad decisions and these decisions couldn't be changed. Some people couldn't forgive me and mum made our peace we knew we loved one another. The pain some people put me through then was disgusting, but I figured we was all hurting.

I may or may not come back to this, it still hurts, its still fresh the wounds havent yet healed.