Dad

My dad like many girls dads was my hero. He knew me so well, even when I was 100 miles away he could tell by my tone of voice what sort of mood I was in, he could instantly pull me out of a mood, and had the strangest yet straight sense of humour. He has been likened to Jim Royale from the Royale family, he wasn't as lazy though, he was there whenever anyone needed them. He used to call my nan (his mother in law) a witch and I remember him buying her a broomstick one mothers day, she hung it up above the fire in the dining room.

I remember growing up and dad being the bread winner, he would be out working he'd leave when we went to school and come home after us. We never wanted for anything that wasn't over the top. I remember him being made redundant in the last credit crunch, I remember the house being repossessed and it breaking his hearts as when we moved we hadn't got enough space to keep all the dogs. I remember him being so upset that him and mum had rowed on the day that I was bridesmaid, which meant we had to leave early and being a young lady in a fairy tale dress not wanting to.

Whilst at university, I chose to stay at home and work. I worked in nightclubs it never bothered me that everyone was getting drunk and I wasn't so it was perfect. I had a call one night and mum just said come home dad is going off in an ambulance, whatever happened at work then is a blur but I know they got me a cab and shipped me off home. I got home and Gareth my brother had gone with dad, mum had waited for me, shed had a phone call to say they was just going to make him comfortable with pain killers for the night, to help sort out the severe abdominal pains he was having, my brother had been sent home, and they suggested we went in the next morning, I wasn't happy but mum said to leave it so I did.

I HATE HOSPITALS, always have and I suppose these visits didn't help, dad was diagnosed with diabetes and also gall bladder stones. He looked on the positive side of it initially he would just be on tablets and even if he had to one day inject himself he would be fine.
They of course stabilised everything before letting him out and voila dad was dad again.
Well for a short time, the next 3 months arthritis took over, dad struggled to do much at all, his ankles and knees was incredibly painful as was his wrists after many years working in IT and recruitment.
Dad didn't like the fact he could no longer work, even when he was at the point where he struggled to walk we struggled to get any benefit for him, he did eventually and he said OK and took up the role of housewife, something he could do at his own pace and to his own standard whenever he wanted.
Dad was the better cook unless it was Sunday roast so there wasn't a problem there.

He was promised treatment after treatment for his arthritis, funny thing is whenever it come to the point that it may cost money it never happened. NHS for you!

Years went on and dad coped, he would still help out a friend in need, when mum was diagnosed with breast cancer at the time he must have been going through hell himself, he was there supporting everyone else. He was everyones rock, and was so determined mum would fight it and win!

I was back in the midlands and working nights, had a strange message from my mum on my mobile left just before I finished saying please call me your dads being a pain. She explained he hadn't been well had scratched the car balance not with it, not even coming up to bed at night, mum said she was so worried she was going to chemo on her own that day, I said no I would meet her there, I got told no go sort your dad he will listen to you.

So I went home dropped off the dog, didn't even change and jumped in a cab to mum and dads let myself in, to which my dad said something like, have you got no food in or something else you need. I said no I had come to sort him out, dad being dad laughed, but when I looked at him there was something different, I had watched mum age as she had received her chemo but not dad, there was a glazed look in his eyes. his breathing was awful and he clearly was uncomfortable but couldn't move.
I spoke to him and he agreed to have the doctor come out to him, spoke to the receptionists who knew dad, they was concerned and said they would talk to doctor asap and get back to me. 10 minutes later the doctor called back herself spoke to me asked a few questions explained that she wouldn't be able to get here for an hour, and she really thought dad needed to go to the hospital, I said he wouldn't go, then she spoke to him and he agreed to go and be checked out. Before I knew it there was a fast response car at the door and the ambulance not far behind. Because of his breathing they wanted to take him in, which they talked him into, I managed to find him some trousers he was sat in his summers shorts like always in the house. The paramedics helped him up and out we went to the hospital. The area mum and dad lived wasn't that nice the little estate they lived on however was like their own community, quite a few of the neighbours was out, giving me hugs which I didn't want as I was trying my damnest not to cry my eyes out as my rock through life was falling apart in front of me and wasn't even strong enough to sit up.
I called mum in the ambulance she had finished her chemo and was making her way from one hospital to another to meet us. It wasn't until we got there and he was put into a cardio response unit that it dawned on me that this is really serious.
I left mum with dad whilst the cardiac nurse did all her initial tests went outside and sobbed. Called my brother and said I would let him know what they said, called my aunt and uncle because my aunt like dad always could say something to help me, she couldn't on this occasion she just said call us when you have more news.
I spent about the next 3 hours in and out of the cubicle with dad, nurses and doctors come and went not saying much, on one occasion I came back in to find mum struggling to help dad to the toilet the nurses had refused and dad in his own words wasn't going to shit in a bowl. I was helping him to the toilet and the paramedic that brought dad in saw me and helped. I saw red the paramedic said he would stay with dad as it was less embarrassing, and I told the nurses what I really thought of them, and being me didn't mince my words.
I also demanded that we be told something, it was now 4pm dad had been here since 11, they knew he was diabetic and hadn't supplied any food or insulin. 10 minutes later dad was back and we had a doctor in, he explained dad had pneumonia and that's why his breathing was so bad, intra venous antibiotics and a couple of days rest and he would be fine. i was a little relieved, even though i knew in my heart of hearts that pneumonia was nasty. The nurse eventually gave dad his iv drip of AB's I had to sort out the air bubble they could not be bothered with and they packed dad off to a ward, dad now wasn't happy and didn't really wanna stay we made sure dad had food and insulin and he told us to go. I remember telling him I loved him, not something I had to say a lot normally and that I would see him tomorrow.

I was exhausted but worried about mum on her own, she realised in the taxi on the way home that I had been awake over 24 hours and was starting to flake as well as the dog having been left all day. So she insisted we both went back to our own homes got some rest and then met up first thing to go to the hospital.

That night I found out a good friend had been sent to prison, for something that I still believe now he shouldn't have. I chatted to a few people online and then decided I needed some rest. I had only been in bed half an hour when mum called saying the hospital had called her and said there had been changes we needed to go in, we agreed to meet there so we could be there as quick as possible. I got there first, found the ward buzzed to be let on, eventually a passing porter let me in raced to where dad was to find the curtains half drawn and my dad lying dead on the floor.
I cant remember what I did, I remembered being ushered into a back room, and the doctor telling me and me saying no, he was going to be OK, he was only here cause I made him come. Mum arrived and I went into protective mode, I couldn't share what I had seen, I called my brother who got in a taxi from London and then my uncle who came straight to the hospital. We was asked if we wanted to say bye, I couldn't have my last memory of dad as lying on the floor so I agreed, but I could only walk in Kiss his cheek tell him he was my world and that I loved him and walk out into my uncles arms, they had given me dads belongings including his fleece as we walked off the ward I was so cold and empty, my teeth were chattering and mum told me to put the fleece on.
I went back to mums with my mum and my uncle, my brother arrived some half an hour later and just crumbled, my mum told my uncle to go and said i needed to go and sort the dog etc, so home i went. Not long after I had been home she told me I needed to sleep, I couldn't think of anything less I wanted to do. I called my ex, who was heart broken and didn't know how to console me, practically no one was about that really knew me online so I lay on my bed fully dressed still wearing dads fleece staring at the ceiling.

I don't remember much of the following week, I blamed myself it was me after all that made him go the hospital. I thought everyone else did as well, and spent most of the evenings getting very drunk on my own on cheap cider. Someone noticed, someone far away that had never even met me face to face, and I cant remember the words, but the words meant so so much, that I didn't drink again even the night before the funeral when my ex turned up rose wine in hand, it didn't get open, we chatted I hadn't been sleeping and for the first time in 2 weeks I was tired, and I finally slept.

The funeral in its own way was beautiful and it reminded me how much dad was loved, by everyone he met. The gathering after drove me a little mad and I just needed space, I was happy when people started to go, me and the ex left not long after he took me home we got changed and went on a shopping spree.

2 weeks later we had a reply into the investigation they had done on dads treatment on admission into hospital, I hadn't told anyone about him being dead on the floor when I had arrived, I cracked and told my brother fell to pieces for doing it, and felt once again that I was to blame even though I had just wanted to protect everyone.

I still miss him to this day, I still do have twinges of guilt, but know regardless of what I said or did on that day nothing would have changed the eventual outcome. He is with me, I am like both him and mum which is quite amusing as they was very opposites! Oh those eyes and facial features that are commented on so much! Thanks dad x