What a mess

Why is it, when you meet someone, get to know them, relax your guard a little(ok a lot with me), let them in, love them with all your heart, only somewhere down the line for someone to get really hurt.



My mums diary from the day my dad died, losing him practically killed her.



I remember my dad losing his parents, I remember me losing mine.



I have loved and lost before, I remember it always f.... hurts.



I wish I was in the situation now I was with the other ex, where financially I could say fuck it and walk away. I am not neither am I wanting to walk away from a house I have fallen in love with, where my family (the animals) are happy and secure. No we don't own this one but it means a lot to me. I have felt secure here for a short time, something I didnt feel at the previous house because of what was going on inside and outside the house.

This house saw a turning point in me, it was where I went yes I can do this, where I said you ever lay a finger on me again and there will be severe problems.



Yes the fact that a relationship has broken down here is a negative but its been on the cards for so much longer than the few months we have lived here.

Am i abnormal, cause even though we both agree its over I don't want to say things I know will hurt him. But he does, he wants to throw all the hurt he feels right back in my face.

It started tonight about christmas, he still wants us to have christmas alone together. I dont get it someone tell me if I am being insane here but thats not right is it? We cant hold a civil conversation so lets have I quote from him a "fun" christmas with the wii and tv :S

He would not leave it alone so I did say the way I feel I want to be doing nothing for Christmas, be with no one, have nothing around me. He didn't like it and started the argueing again, I said I could not deal with this tonight and took myself away, he could not leave it, followed me upstairs, wrote me a letter, told me I was being unfair.

Eventually leading to the I still love you, need you talk. I have told him already and told him again yes in some ways I do love him but not how I did to much has passed that cant be erased.
Seeing the look in his eyes as he chucked his wallet at me and said take what you want, I went back a few years to a time that I have partially relived in this relationship but dont want to go back to ever again, I threw the wallet back and raced upstairs, shut the door behind me. The door downstairs opened and I paniced then heard him shout up the stairs tell h im sorry, h is his 18 year old daughter, a very young sweet 18 year old. He text me the same message obviously to make sure it would go in! FFS what is this man doing to my head he isnt acting how I would have thought he would, I did reply not to be so stupid I wasnt worth it and maybe instead of being selfish he needed to consider his daughter.
He carried on saying he was going to do it in a minute, unless we got back together I caught his daughter on IM and said call your dad, left it at that as I didnt know what to say. She did.

The way he came back in through the door startled me, he was getting aggressive I could hear it in the way he came up the stairs, he swung open the door, I dont know why I hadnt moved and said get up and pack. I dont think I was thinking because I know I said whose going, he said I was going. No way! Oh my if you want a verbal war here it comes. I dont know where I got it from I was not backing down, I went on and on and said how dare he ever thinks he can tell me what to do, what right does he have to this house as much as me, and I am not going anywhere.

He asked me why I hated him so much, and I was honest I dont hate him but he is pushing me into that direction, he promised to leave me alone for a few days and doesnt see how 9 facebook messages and 13 texts is not leaving me alone. He thinks we was talking and got rather upset when I just said I cant shout anymore, as we was most definatly shouting at one another, I cant do this and shut the door between us.

I crumbled before I wrote this, I could feel an attack coming on and had to mentally focus myself to stop it, i am still physically shaking, I cant call anyone as I cant talk, and I am starting to get sick of my own whinging voice.

Ok what isnt easy to read in a continous blog is that I took a break there, I do sometimes appreciate the fact that I was a fucked up teen, as the councillor that saw me back then told and showed me so much that I use when I need to stop for a minute. So I stopped, im ok, I was going to be ok, even when I wasnt.

I have only recieved 1 points of contact since then a text message saying-

I couldnt kill myself cos im to scared to do it,I wont bother you again. My wallet is there take what you want but I need the money back to buy presents for hannah. Take care of yourself, forget what I said about xmas day, u cant do it thats fair enough, Love u always J XXX.

I dont know what to say anymore not like me not to spell check but I am not going to, apologies this was written in a fairly emotional state, that I think is about to get a lot worse.

tata for now
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