Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place
I know I'm a fighter deep down. I shouldn't be letting things get like this, I am more than this.
I know there is a lot going on in my head right now, more than I prob needed, but no one apart from me brought them upon myself.
I have hit rock bottom tonight I know I have, many friends when I get like this turn their back the one that didn't and has been there throughout got caught in the crossfire. Why cause I am really needy at the moment, and like most people who are honest with themselves they don't like it when they don't get their own way! I haven't got my own way so I have turned sour.
I suppose the good thing about me is I can see it, but I do feel shitty about it, I don't want to do it again.
I guess I have realised that I am so very alone in this world. By choice in some cases other cases cruel twists of fate, but everything has happened for a reason, just need to figure out why recent and distant fates have happened.
Virtual hugs just aren't the same, nor are words said over miles. 2 different people have said they love me tonight in context, a statement that always used to send me running for the hills, I think I am running again, this time from friends. Why cause love ends or gets taken away and that's a harsh burden to try and cope with.
Yes I admit it I am depressed, I admitted that some days ago when I booked my appointment with the doctor, but I know the pills aren't the answer, the real answer lies within me and finding my true happiness. People think I am strong, nah I have a very good poker face. Only those that look deep into me, can see, what scares me is one person who has always been able to see within me I should be seeing this weekend. She has been a friend for such a long time, face to face, she can read me like a book, that scares me and that is why I will prob not go through with plans this weekend. As much as I love her and her partner being the depressed gooseberry really isn't my cup of tea.
Enough of my shit for one night, only one more day at work before I have to much time on my hands what joy!
AM
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3 rules to life AM....
1. Paradox
2. Humour
3. Change
Paradox-Life is a mystery dont waste time trying to figure it out.
Humour-Keep your sense of humour especially about yourself, it will give you strength beyond measure.
Change-The only certainty in life is change.
You know even getting caught in the crossfire, I dont mind.. Stop trying to figure out what is wrong, what went wrong and what may go wrong, we can not control the future, or live in the past... Live in the now hun... look around you, there is always something going on, notice whats happening and pay attention to everyting, the way paper feels when you turn the page of a book, the way rain feels on your face, how your dog feels and smells... We miss so much by taking time to look forward and back we never see what is right in front of us.
You are a strong person, your just having a hard time at the moment, but it will get better, you know it will.
Stay safe and well...
Always
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